I had a unique experience this morning. It was like an emotional deja vu. Hmm, maybe it's better described as a deja vu of emotions? Here's what happened--I was taking a quick break at work. My mind was clear and I was of course thinking about the progress on our home study. Excitement has been a constant companion since we started this journey--so much so that I almost try to push in a fearful thought here and there to make sure I'm not just in a stupor of denial. Like the denial that this is going to be a difficult process, with disappointment and frustration around every corner. Am I supposed to tbe this excited? Shouldn't there be a resevoir of worry and trepedation? I let my mind play out some 'What if...?' scenarios, and I try to feel for my level of concern, doubt, worry, etc. and nothing sticks. It's like my mind, my heart, is set on something so pure and good that the darkness of those thoughts are literally driven away--all the negativity have no ground underneath them and they vanish away. Ok, I did get a little side tracked but that's what this new experience feels like day-to-day.
I'm at work, just giving myself a couple minutes to relax and I'm suddenly filled with a beautiful image and this incredible feeling. I see myself sitting at my desk, so filled with joyful anticipation to see the end of my workday--all because I can come home and spent time with Brittany and our child. In the next second I recall statements of friends who are fathers expressing that same feeling of joy.
I wish I had a massive container in my spirit to hold that emotion in. I want to feel more of it and store it and jump into it but the experience is gone so quickly. Thankfully I don't come crashing down into some pessimistic reality--probably because I enjoy reality. I'm back to that excitement. It reminds me of the alternator on my first car when I was 16. I was on my way to seminary in the dark and suddenly the yellow, drab glow of my headlights surged crystal white. I felt like I was in a much newer car, with much more expensive, high intensity headlights. Unfortunately the bright light at that time was the alternator firing for the last time, sending a surge through all the electronics of my car and then causing everything to go dead...anyway I guess that isn't a good analogy at all. Maybe if the surge happened for a split second and then all the electrical components in my car went back to normal--with headlights that were bright enough to press on to seminary.
I hope that experience visits me often as the Story of Us continues.
Justin
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